Parental Conflict
Parental conflict is a common occurrence in relationships, where parents experience disagreements, frustrations, and emotional struggles. While occasional disagreements are normal, unresolved, chronic conflict can have serious effects on both parents and children. When parents are unable to communicate effectively and resolve differences, the situation can escalate into an unhealthy, destructive pattern of behaviour.
Parental conflict can take many forms, including verbal altercations, name-calling, criticism, and put-downs, as well as emotional manipulation and, in some cases, physical violence. Poorly managed conflict can result in emotional distress and may evolve into domestic abuse, such as threats, destruction of property, or physical harm.
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Parental conflict often arises from life stressors that impact family dynamics, such as:
Bereavement
Financial difficulties
Relationship breakdowns or separation
Drug and alcohol issues
Mental health struggles
These stressors can be heightened during challenging times, such as the COVID-19 crisis. Unresolved conflict can become chronic, creating a toxic environment for everyone in the household. Children, in particular, are impacted by ongoing conflict between their parents.
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It’s crucial for professionals working with families to be vigilant for signs of domestic abuse, including coercive control and other forms of abusive behaviour. If a relationship has elements of power imbalance, control, or physical harm, it may not just be parental conflict but domestic abuse.
Professionals should continue to monitor signs of abuse or coercion in cases of parental conflict, and, if abuse is suspected, take appropriate steps to safeguard those involved. More information on identifying and addressing domestic abuse is available in the Wirral Sandbox toolkit.
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While children are resilient and can handle difficult situations like separation or divorce, ongoing, unresolved conflict between parents can cause long-lasting emotional and mental health issues. The effects of parental conflict on children can include:
Negative Impact on Mental Health: Chronic exposure to conflict can lead to anxiety, depression, behavioural problems, low self-esteem, and difficulty at school.
Feelings of Uncertainty and Unsafe Environment: Children may feel unsafe or anxious in a tense household, especially when they perceive their parents’ safety is at risk, even if there is no physical violence involved.
Worry About Taking Sides: Children often feel pressured to choose sides, which leads to emotional distress as they feel torn between parents.
Feelings of Guilt: Children might blame themselves for the arguments, especially if the conflicts revolve around issues related to the child’s behaviour, school performance, or finances.
Poor Role Modelling: Children learn communication and conflict-resolution skills from observing their parents. If parents consistently model unhealthy conflict behaviour, children may replicate this in future relationships.
Deteriorating Parenting Quality: Conflict between parents can create a high-stress environment, which reduces the ability to parent effectively, leading to further emotional and behavioural issues in children.
Damaged Parent-Child Relationships: When one parent criticises the other in front of the child, it can harm the child’s relationship with the criticised parent, creating long-term emotional difficulties.
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When working with parents in conflict, professionals need to build trust and engage parents in open, non-judgmental conversations. Here are some strategies that can help:
Be Professionally Curious: Take a non-judgmental approach to explore what is happening in the relationship. Listen to both parents’ perspectives without rushing to “fix” the situation.
Use Motivational Interviewing Techniques: Engage parents in conversations about their issues, allowing them time to reflect on what difficulties they’re facing. Motivational interviewing helps parents see their role in resolving conflicts and moving towards a shared goal.
Use Tools to Facilitate Discussion:
Relationship Scale: Use this tool to assess how both parents feel about their relationship, highlighting differences and providing a starting point for conversation.
Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviours: This Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) tool helps to understand how thoughts, emotions, and behaviours influence the relationship dynamics.
You v I Statements: Encourage the use of "I" statements (e.g., "I feel hurt when...") rather than "You" statements, which can be accusatory and blame-focused. This approach shifts the conversation towards personal feelings rather than blaming the other party.
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Domestic abuse can be reported by victims, friends, family members, or anyone who is concerned about the safety of someone experiencing abuse. It's essential to take action to protect the victim and ensure their safety, whether during an incident or after. Here's how to report and how to stay safe:
Reporting Domestic Abuse
In an emergency, dial 999 immediately.
In a non-emergency, contact Merseyside Police on 101. Crime can also be reported online via the Merseyside Police website.
Anonymous Reporting: Domestic abuse can be reported anonymously through Crimestoppers by calling 0800 555 111 or by submitting an online report.
For advice and guidance, contact the Wirral Family Safety Unit for support.
If you suspect a child or young person is at risk of harm, abuse, or neglect, report this immediately to the Wirral Integrated Front Door Team:
Email: ifd@wirral.gov.uk
Phone: 0151 606 2008 (9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday) and out of hours call: 0151 677 6557
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In an emergency, if possible, dial 999 and try to leave the line open (or leave the phone off the hook) so the operator can hear the situation.
If you can’t dial 999, arrange a pre-arranged code word with a trusted friend, relative, or neighbour to alert them to call the police for you.
Plan escape routes before an incident occurs. Familiarise yourself with exits and safe areas within the home.
Follow a safety plan that may have been prepared earlier to help keep you safe during an emergency.
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While some victims may feel reluctant to report the abuse initially, keeping a record of the incidents can be vital for later legal action or support, including court cases or housing applications.
The record should include:
The date and time of the incident.
Details of any witnesses who may have seen or heard the abuse.
How the incident made the victim feel.
Photographs of any injuries sustained during the abuse.
Victims should report injuries to a GP or hospital for documentation.
Keep this record safe and out of reach of the perpetrator. Support services for victims of domestic abuse can offer advice on how to keep this information secure. description
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Staying Safe: If You Decide to Leave
If you need to leave the situation, the following steps can help ensure your safety:
Tell a trusted person that you are leaving and, if possible, agree on a code word to signal that you need help.
Prepare a small bag with clothes, money, keys, phone numbers, and any essential documents (passport, driving licence, etc.) to leave quickly.
If children are involved, make sure they are prepared and taken with you.
Only leave when it is safe to do so. Contact a solicitor for advice on injunctions, or protective measures.
If you find that you have left something behind, arrange to collect it with the help of a police officer—do not go back on your own.
Staying Safe: If You Decide to Stay
If you choose to stay in the home, the following steps are critical to maintaining your safety:
Seek help from support agencies. Ensure that they know how to contact you safely.
Remove all traces of communication with support agencies, including emails and phone records.
Access the internet for advice from public locations (such as libraries or internet cafes) to avoid leaving a trace. If you use a home computer, remember to clear your browsing history after visiting domestic abuse support websites.
Keep a record of all incidents of abuse (as mentioned above).
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Support Services
Wirral Family Safety Unit: Offers advice and support to families experiencing domestic abuse.
Wirral Domestic Violence Helpline: Offers confidential support, information, and referral services for those affected by domestic violence.
Helpline: 0151 666 4204
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (available 24/7)
Women’s Aid: Provides national and local support for women affected by domestic abuse.
Risk Indicators
Understanding the risk indicators for parental conflict is crucial for professionals supporting children and families. This tool uses a simple RAG (Red, Amber, Green) system to assess the level of concern based on the behaviours, emotional states, and situations that may suggest parental conflict is impacting the well-being of children.
Low Risk
These indicators suggest that the parents are experiencing occasional disagreements, but there is no ongoing or harmful conflict. The family environment remains generally stable and supportive.
Increased Risk
These signs suggest that parental conflict may be escalating and may be impacting the emotional well-being of children. The situation requires closer monitoring, support, and intervention to prevent further harm.
High Risk
These indicators reflect serious concern and suggest that parental conflict is becoming harmful to the children’s emotional health or safety. Immediate attention and intervention are required to prevent further harm.
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Occasional disagreements that are resolved through open communication and mutual respect.
Parents demonstrate healthy conflict resolution skills.
Children feel safe and supported within the family.
Parents are able to maintain a positive co-parenting relationship, even if living separately.
Emotional well-being of children is unaffected, with no signs of stress, anxiety, or behavioural problems.
Both parents encourage open discussions with children and reassure them of their safety.
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Parents argue frequently but there are no signs of physical or emotional abuse.
Children start to show signs of distress or anxiety, such as withdrawal, mood swings, or sleep problems.
Communication between parents is limited or strained, but there is still an attempt to co-parent.
Children may begin to show reluctance to attend school or engage in activities they previously enjoyed.
A child may express worry about the conflict or feel caught in the middle, with a fear of taking sides.
One or both parents may have trouble managing their emotions during arguments (e.g., shouting, blaming).
Children may start to model poor conflict resolution behaviours based on what they observe.
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Parents engage in chronic, unresolved conflict that includes verbal abuse, humiliation, or threats.
There are signs of physical violence or intimidation during arguments (e.g., throwing objects, shoving, or threats of harm).
Children display significant emotional distress, including depression, anxiety, aggression, or self-harm.
One or both parents exhibit controlling or coercive behaviour towards the other (e.g., limiting access to resources, isolation, financial control).
Children are forced to take sides in the conflict or are directly involved in arguments.
Parenting is negatively affected by conflict, with decreased involvement in children’s lives, poor decision-making, or neglectful behaviour.
The home environment is unsafe, with children feeling threatened or fearful, leading to an increased risk of harm.
Children express a desire to leave the home or talk about leaving due to fear of the conflict.
There is a noticeable deterioration in the relationship between children and one or both parents, with decreased communication or trust.
Resources
The impact of parental conflict on children | Anna Freud